I shouldn't start writing and not introduce myself but I am sure I will get an opportunity to talk more about myself when I am less tired. Hi, I am Martina and I am tired. My two beautiful daughters are asleep and I should be, too. After all, I am tired. But I would like to firstly share some insight into motherhood. Eventually, I can tell you something about me when we know each other a little better.
If someone asked me how I would describe myself, the first word that would come to my mind would be “mother”. The very first thought that goes through my mind when I wake up is “I am a mom”. It’s crazy how I still can’t believe it. My oldest, Sophi, just celebrated her second birthday. Liz just turned five months. I still remember finding out I was pregnant. I remember the fear, excitement and doubt. I remember how thrilled my mom was to finally have grandchildren.
What I wish I forgot were the obnoxious advice and warnings that came from everyone around me. The funny thing about parenthood is that you forget most of your day by the end of the day. Yes, you do remember the important things and if you decide to write it all down then you will have a nice memory for yourself and it will help you to remember all those cute milestones in your babies’ lives. With that being said, most of the people giving the advice already forgot what it was like having a baby at home. Even if you have a one-year-old at home, you’ve already forgotten what it’s like having a two week old. What you remember is that it was crap. But that’s all. The newborn stage is absolute crap. The post-partum is crap. The only advice that I could relate to after giving birth was “it will all pass”.
From all the horrible things I heard about the new born stage, the only phrase I found helpful was that eventually, it will all pass. Eventually, she will fall asleep. She can’t cry forever. Eventually, she will learn how to self-settle. You don’t get ten-year-olds being rocked to sleep. Eventually, I will heal, mentally, emotionally and physically. I will get some of my old self back, but now, focus on being present.
I remember my husband telling everyone how excited he was for all the crying that’s coming and I was looking at him as if he was mad. Now, he’s telling everybody that he remembers how excited WE were for the crying to come. Slapping him wouldn’t be enough. No, sweetie, YOU were saying that when we were pregnant. I knew I wasn’t. We’re not together on that boat. Even if you think that you are prepared for the sleepless nights, you’re not. Even if you were used to sleeping three hours a day, you won’t feel the same when you get three hours of sleep with a newborn. You have this little human in your arms that’s just crying and there’s nothing you can do. You just have to wait it out. This type of “emotional abuse” (I call it abuse because imagine an adult complaining about something you’ve been doing wrong for five hours and you’re trying to calm them down, it’ll feel like an emotional abuse) depletes you of energy in a completely different way than anything you’ve ever experienced. Those three hours scattered across the whole night mean absolutely nothing. So eventually, not only are you tired, you are also tired of other people telling you how tired they are because they cannot be possibly more tired than you are.
As you dive deep into the unexpected reality of parenthood, you suddenly get even more tired of all the advice that come from the best place of heart but you just wish people kept it to themselves. After all, they either completely forgot what it’s like to have a newborn, don’t have kids or they have absolutely no idea about you and your baby’s life. Worst is when no. 2 and 3 come in one person. I wish other mothers and people close to you understood that sometimes (or most of the time) advice you didn’t ask for is worse than not saying anything. How about they aid in different ways? Here are a few ideas you can help if you have a new mama close to you or, if you are a mama, things to ask for when you have visitors:
- help with the laundry
- take the baby out for a walk in the stroller
- bring your favorite food
- clean the bathroom
- give a back rub
- if bottle feeding, wash the bottles or get baby’s fave formula
- let the mom have a safe place to cry, where she won’t be judged
And here are a few things to not do if you are visiting a new mom or have a new mom around you:
- don’t tell her that her life is over (I’ll have a whole post about this one, I’m so tired of this saying)
- don’t ask her what they need help with (nothing and everything so just do your best and don’t ask)
- don’t give out advice unless asked
- don’t touch the baby unless the mom asks you to
- don’t talk about how your baby used to be (if you have kids)
- don’t judge her mood swings, emotional outbursts or inability to stay focused or talk sense
Becoming a parent is something that no one can prepare you for. Even if you think you’ve read every book, have the nursery ready, have your financials in check, your birth plan prepared step by step..so many things change. I’m not saying “go wrong”. Some things are easier than you expected, some get more challenging. And guess what? That’s the beauty of it. We are unique. One thing that all parents have in common, though, is that they are all tired.
Stay awake for the next one
Tired Mama
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